She // “The Great Escape From Home”
Ever since she was little, she planned my great escape from home
She dreamt about getting employed in a foreign country,
Where she’ll be living happily as an anonymous,
In between a crowd of strangers, indifferent to her personal matters.
She dreamt about all those moments and thought to herself,
“I’d be living my life, free.”
She could wear an all-black goth outfit and smoke a cigarette -
Something that she couldn’t even think about doing here.
She could be an artist and buy lots of stationery to draw and paint,
She could be a dancer, and no one would judge her despite her heavyweight,
She could be a violinist and not be criticized for choosing it as a career
She could be all but not at home.
At home, She was tethered and bothered.
The societal pressure cut off her wings of dreaming,
The pressure to be enough and to earn more than enough
The oppression seemed more dominant as she had no earning member
Everyone knows her father died when she was 2,
But do you know what happened to her later?
Bred in a filthy misogynist cult was his family,
And they robbed her mother of everything she had
Even though today, She voices fiercely how brave her mother is
It is a sad reality that it was her mother
For which she planned her great escape from home.
Children are taught to never whine about their parents
Providing shelter, food, and clothes are enough
For it doesn’t matter if the child is treated like an animal.
As an animal will the child be in the future,
An apt candidate for the rat race.
She wanted to recover from the childhood trauma.
She wanted to recover from the daily physical abuse at home.
She wanted to recover from the behemoth beasts inside her mind.
So, she begged for help from her near and dear ones
Till the time came when she became despondent.
As time grew older, she held on to dear death
Her hair fell, and her eyes grew darker
The bruises on the skin didn’t heal as she kept starving
Every normal activity would turn into a form of self-harm to her;
On summer days, she wore full sleeves,
Whereas in winters, she loved to stay under the bare night sky till she caught a cold,
Punishing herself why her mother did not love her?
Punishing herself why she’s not enough?
Punishing herself why her father left?
Punishing herself why she couldn’t have a normal life?
Why?
It’s pathetic how everyone noticed but didn’t care enough,
And amidst the ignorance bestowed upon her
The void in her heart made her distant from social life.
Someone whose name portrayed bright, cheerful eyes
Now had dull eyes and the dullest smile.
But her mom taught her to be a perfectionist,
So she tried again, and again, and again
Put all her heart in with the hopes one day everything will get better.’
But nothing did.
She tried long to fix things and fit in.
She tried long to build a healthy relationship with her mom.
She hugged her pillow tightly, and for the first time
Her mouth murmured to herself a few kind words
“It’s okay, at least I did my best.”
With a little smile as graceful as lilies
She tiptoed gently to her pet
Kissed the cat on her head as it was the only one who gave her peace.
She peeped and saw her mother sleeping peacefully in the other room.
Crawling back to her desk, without any further delay
After 10 long years, she finally gained the courage to put an end to it all.
She smiled
Closed her eyes as everything flashed back
But before she could make a wish
The chair slipped.
As she hung from the ceiling,
As human life was fighting, it’s best to grasp onto dear breath
She was happy to hug death.
The only thing she hoped to have wished for was somebody who remembered her.
She hoped for someone to love her enough
To bring her back to earth someday,
Cause now she wants to go and hug her mom and pet her cat
She knew she’d miss the smell of earth when the first rain hits
She’d miss the old neighbor sing for his wife
She’d miss watching couples and smiling at them
She’d miss going on long drives in the rain
She’d miss all the little things that kept her sane when life was least livable.
She wanted to go back home.
Written by —
Sunaina Barua.
